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Despite the fact we have poetry sessions to help us reach and understand our inner feelings, we have no illusions about the quality of such. Here you have the opportunity to be appalled (with two p's - spot the reference) at our results. |
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Praise for The World's Worst Poetry "Some of the poems have forced my fingernails to my eyes, and only upon finishing them do I realize that had you made any of them longer, my eyes'd be gouged out. Others lead me in circular trains of thought that force me to collide with myself at the station, yet never realizing I've made a trip in the first place." Smackems the Kitten |
(by rimshot) encroaching blackness lies bleeding on the uncaring sands of time pain is good pain is nice pain is worth the sacrifice i fling myself facefirst from this vale of tears into the black strangling nothingness that birthed me i am but a hemorrhoid on the rectum of the universe prostate with pain the sky is falling the sky is falling the sky is falling fear is the maggot in my soul it gnaws at me i dine in hell the menu is nothingness i drink the bitter wine of mankind to the dregs my cup overfloweth |
(by Apostrophe) Which one was The Moosehead? Eleven Syllables which I do not Rhyme My heart is in my...yuck. I'm surprised it's gone this long Their Tits? they don't - That's The Problem I'm you're biggest fantom! Neat Spiral Staircase! Trained Ravens are Red Roses are Black. I Think Bad. Footsteps like Heartbeats Slow on the Uptake Fast on the Drawer Gonzo are Guns, they're gone Bing Bang Bong I've consoled you; can we fuck now? Yes; eat something improbable and die! How Much? |
(by Caliph al Shaikh) Once upon a time A horse stopped on a cheese sandwich, Someone sound the chime Ahoy! Ahoy! The rainmaker calls, I can taste the light! Sweet Gary Coleman above, Fall upon us like washing machines. Lament! Lament! Once a hero, Now a zero, Praise the day! |
(by Fritters) I had a puppy once It died the next day It made me feel A peculiar way I had a puppy once So happy and free I saw it and It followed me My puppy was beautiful I really loved him So good and kind Nothing good can exist Good just doesn't fit The universe's law I strangled it |
Ode to Kai (by Nevwyn) All night with my Kai Kai All night with my Kai and I mean this I ran my hands down his chest All the way down to his... Man! This cryo-chamber is cold! All week with my Kai Kai Embracing his frozen mass I love his pale smooth skin And his cute, tight little... Oh cwap! My tounge iv spuck po hiv meck! (rrrrrrip) OOOOOWWWWW!!! All month with my Kai Kai His body I wish to lick I'd start with his luscious mouth And work my way down to his... Damn! It's FREEZING in here! All year with my Kai Kai... Aw Hell! I'm going to bed! |
(by Fritters) I saw a pretty pink flower It was pretty It was pink It was a flower Oh, pretty pink flower So flowery and pink I think of pink And think of pretty I think of flowers And think of pretty Oh, so natural Pretty pink flower How I love thee Pretty pink flower Pretty Pink Flower Pretty Pink Flower |
(by Savage) I slake my slimy lust in your embrace. I desire you as I would desire heat rash, To gauld my groin to an itchy passion That no alchemic Gold Bond powder or Blue Star balm in Gilead could cure. The salinity of your love draws my life's blood, Rendering me gelatinous as though I were pork fat. I lord over the lard of my love, Out of the frying pan and into the fire, My manhood having been well done. Beat your eggs to a froth! Whip my cream! To thrill from such malcookery! Apply your love's sauce to my abused sites In a plaster to muster the mustard That seeds my sweet sweat. |
(by Amber) Smeet the smite Gravel feet Rhyming smeet Sweet smeet meet Sorrow hollow smeet Hollow smeet street Why don't I just die Smeetly die die die |
(by Fritters) A chance thrown to the wind hope tied to it like little whatsies Poetry gnarled and useless dismembered beyond all recognition The things I do for money How Fruitless They Seem |
Freddled Gruntbuggly (Gleefully stolen from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and only here because it is officially some of the worst poetry in the universe) Oh freddled gruntbuggly Thy micturations are to me As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, See if I don't! - Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz |
Hairy Fairy by Wolferama I love a Hairy Fairy I nuzzle him all over with my Leprechaun beard, and faint in his armpits, and in his legpit I swoon then frolic in the moon light and we both drink champagne 'cos we both are hairy men. |
Darkness Falls by Fritters The movies flicker across my mind Like lilacs in the wind And mermaids sing of birds With long eloquent and prosaic words Biting back into the theocratic oranges I wait for my twist To get this And carry me away to some dark bris May the radio waves forgive my soul The evening bowl Fortune is waiting For the everloving koi pond I've been so heartily baiting Darkness Falls |
(by Sebastian Viklund Åsberg) As I opened the refrigator I felt all of my hair fall of. It landed in a nice pile on the floor and hurriedly hid under the trash can. As I took a deep breath I felt my toenails crack and my left hands fingers fell of. I saw my nose turn black of gangrene and a second later it joined my fingers. As I bended forward my heart stopped beating and the world fell into darkness. It was then I understood that I should have gotten rid of the medwurst a long time ago. |
(by Gunny2112) Let me kiss upon your squashy lips Lips almost skin-like. Let me feed upon your hair, dar- Ling Long and brushy sweet. Your breasts, one a little smaller than the other, are like two unequal pears [are] Bring Me them on your feet. Let me splash in your puddle like a boy splashes in one with his foot Oh Let’s be so gay And make love, And escape away And by the bay, And roll in the hay On a sled. Neigh! Nay! Whinnies the horsy His horsy paws prancing in front of two lover people like us two Like two lovers on an ecstasy high. I love you even more so than you could ever possibly love me back Scratch my back And I to you will also do, too. Let me kiss and count the ways… No. You should count For it would be wrong for me to do so first before you do it first before I do. Oh Let me just Kiss… |
(by Max) The pain, oh so deep into my soul it seeps I am no longer a whole into the mirror, I see no soul I take a handful of these pills as long as grandmas dills they help to ease the pain remember daddy, you struck me with your cane water flows from the faucet makes me think of daddy's faucet it was hard, he couldn't be I cry, oh how he used it on me Hairdryer of sorrow, rest firmly in my hand prepare to take me from this land I take my last breath and beat myself to death with the hairdryer |
(Ode to a Meece I Caught This Morning) (by John Derby) O, late Meece May thee rest in peace Thy lust for cheese Brought thee to thy knees Thy brown paper bag coffin (Which I've used so often) Shall ever be thy bed Now that thee are dead I heard the snap Of thy deathly trap My ego puffed As thy life was snuffed O, late Meece May thee rest in peace In thy grave of plastic Enter the realm, fantastic |
Cathay Doll (by Augustus Snodgrass, Esq., M.P.C.) Pulchritudinous porcelain 'plexion Like a China doll's, but soft as a spade-spurned sexton. Ruddier, too; not pale of bone. Nor Cathay-born, she; A girl from my British home. Eyes brown 's a tavern rug ne'er beaten nor swept. Liquid 's a drunkard's who's not recently slept. A Writer! My diction; She can't have missed it. Likewise my elocution: Who could resist it? |
(by Fritters) Oh the sky is purple-green and the birds fly up their noses Dodging the green jello that's dripping from the moon And the sun is small and yellow and it's smelling up the sky Because the world is sweaty on this day-night of June Where the hell is my banana? It's flying 'round the room And the orange rolls up nightly, it's a stupid little guy Oh my rainbow is a tricycle and rolls me 'round the world And drops me on my nose 'cause I've fallen from so high Oh your eyes they do freckle dear, why oh why oh why? Come here and kiss my elbow before it runs to France If the warts on frogs and mushrooms were using Oxy 5 Would the world be pink and rosy, if they only had a chance The paisley and the argyle sing pretty little tunes About the love of money and the ringlets from the carrots But the time it writes it's name on tiny little cupcakes It frosts them with some plaid and throws them to the ferrets The chalk it rolls, it's smelly too, alas, my socks do cinder But the bloo is in the toilet and it's winking it's eye still At the pink strip-teasing trees that fly to the green jello Still dripping from the moon and tasting light of dill "Do you speak in tongues, dear, does your elbow run to France? Hey, what's your sign, baby? Do you know Marquis de Sade? Can you fly up to the moon that's dripping with green jello And fish around inside it to feed yourself on cod?" Oh, this is what the dogs say as they run from to and fro And the moon and sun do wander from the north into the south But the pigs sit on the checkers and free the knights and lads And go to Chattanooga to put things in their mouths The pencil and the pen went bowling in the sunset Because the Appalachians became a bit too small And the buildings in them wonder about the iron board Why does it smell of turpentine, why doesn't it just fall? Seconds tick and write their names on pizzas large and tiny Because the frogs all sit on chessboards and wander to the wall The keyboards only laugh confusedly and drop the black keys to T.V. But cheese graters all stare blankly at the fireworks in the hall Venetian blinds sing to Venetia, she's a tiny little god And the world is a brick building with Venetia on a rafter She cocks her head, she cocks here eye, she smells around a bit Picks up a crystal bell and rings the room with laughter And she digs up some nightly crawlers and she sticks them in her ear As they wriggle and they giggle and they look up to the moon Ah yet it drips green jello that smells a bit of dill And it falls onto the tile and is ate by a raccoon The paisley is declared unsafe by the piglets in the sky Oh they fly up high so high as the stars go flitting by They give a little sigh even though the tables die He's a stupid little guy as he waves his hand goodbye Oh the sky is purple-green and the birds fly up their noses Dodging the green jello that's dripping from the moon |
(by Apostrophe) Love Hate Squirrel Mouse Mouse Red Hat Berry! Berry Football Egg! Black Pin, Pink Hat Green Green Grass Spleen Coleslaw Spleen Coleslaw Spleen Coleslaw Cheesecake! Oh, Love, Shag Swim, Rock, Tree, Plane, Bird Love, Spleen, Love... |
 Render to My Lady... (by Apostrophe) Render to my Lady Mathematical Potatoes, for she angers at unwieldy surfaces crevices with no common decency and things that are green that aren't supposed to be. Render to my Lady Geometrical Potatoes, for peeling with easy motions meals without depresssing drudgery and Murphy walking away mad with no cracks to hide in. |
Encroaching Blackness (by Fritters) Feel it creep See it sweep Smell it deep Encroaching Blackness Know it's near Grab some beer Feel the fear Encroaching Blackness Once you feel it on your neck It makes you want to hit the deck Now we're gonna run like heck Run like heck Run like heck Smell it's breath Check your meth Is it death? Encroaching Blackness |
(by Fritters) I can feel the Nazi's Here come the Nazi's Oh God The Nazi's Hear there Feet pounding Oh God The Pounding Here they Come The Nazi's Here they come Oh God Can you feel them Can you hear them Can you Taste them Can you see them Can you smell Them Oh God The Nazi's Here They Come |
Peanut Butter & Jelly (by Night Jazz) A Jar of Peanut Butter A Jar of Jelly Cold from the fridge White Bread and a knife.... "WHO PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER IN THE FRIDGE, DAMMIT !! I CAN'T SPREAD IT ON COLD !!" |
The Wolf Howls at Midnight (by Fritters) Blackness, Blackness Blackness Yet More Blackness Velvet Blackness, Gnawing Ever Gnawing, Gnawing Gnawing at my Soul My Soul Aching, Aching More Ever Aching for the Dawn Dawn retreats, Fearing Fearing, Ever Fearing for the Time when Blackness Once Again comes Gnawing, Gnawing at its Soul The Wolf Howls at Midnight A-woo! |
Ochre Midnight (by Rimshot) puce skies far, far, far above it was walking turgidly alone feeling spiffy and limp the only creeping thing was the spleen chartruse of midnight when weasel sleeps ochre mountain turgidly toward puce skies weasel rests below |
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The Glutton (by M. Snow) Lo! Do you hear that sound on the gutter? Footprints have trod, atread with a mutter. I'm just inside eating bread and butter, The sound of my chomping is like glutter ny. A sound warbles in the random thickets outside Like muffled farts executed in a closet. What affront to have it impose on my suits! It is some stochastic and stoic stench stuck on the stripes of my suits... There's this space inside my soul that is forever empty, I call it "that space inside my soul" It is there and is "forever empty" But someday it should all clearup the Footprints on the gutter Atread with a mutter I'm just eating my bread and butter I may just turn out to be a glutton. |
FoetEx (by Rimshot, Fritters and Christine) some thyngs lead us some thyngs trail sending foetus's by mail c. o. d. this end is up but its down insyde out but its wrong sent by regis joan embry g o d papyrcuts bubblewrap of byle see their crusty pussy eyeballs hold their face and tongue their eyes salty slick the morsyls go crunch can you hear thym screaming? swallow thym down 1 2 3 how can I accept these tasty treats biodegradable stampies stick to my tongue no depothit no return dead lettyr office chrystmas fruitcakes bro ken dreams |
Bread Crumb Coating (by Speedemon) Popcorn dance and moldy tiles Oh how you tempt me with your bread crumb coating Your lucious glitter and fruit punch Where is the love I once knew? I know where it is It's in the shower Where it disappeared under a moldy tile What is life What is love Who am I? Not the cat pancake I am just another fat guy Who would do anything for your tempting bread crumb coating... |
Alone (by Dak) I am Alone I am VERY alone Alone, Alone So Alone I am Alone Die. Die, DIE, DiE dIe Dead. Alone. |
(by Sebastian Viklund Åsberg ) Six frumious willows art stuck up my nosetrils, How they found their way, I do not want to know. My jubby buttocks art dancin' down the horizon, And art turning my baloneys insideout. The top layer of cream on my head, Significates the treehouse's gastronical wish: A bath amongst mumerish ruhbarbs and mingles, In the froggie's expungiestial earlobes. Oh, how thee velum makes me wanna yoddle, Thee armpits art severely flitting my noseybum, And thee face makes my major intestine, rape my brain But whenever your hairy wart is facing my way, I think: What is this gippenstrausish feeling building up in my duck? Is that not the bloit I want to snot my life with? "Yes, it is!" I barf out snufringly. Ballahooy! Ballahay! We became illicit the same turkey, and whistled like a cow. Oh fibbelei-dibble, our bowoglove was naught to bounce, As your life spreffed to a galumphing end by the age of orange. 'Till this waffle still, I crisp my loss of your manxome wart, And spend my wimbgunt in tears. Why not a candid bee? |
On Seeing Thy Name Graven (by Rimshot) Oh, Lucida, when I chance to look Into the bottomless pit which is thine eyes I fell to swoon, my wits foorsook My hand to forehead prest, my bosom cries My bosom cries for love Oh, Lucida, could I tell the world What sweet and sensive secrets dost thou entrove Like Nelson's sails my soul would spring unfurled My heart would find its port and never rove And never rove my dove Oh, Lucida, but I cannot show For my condition do still I have most grave Thy heaving heart my touch shall never know For fate to me none of God's salve didst gave God's salve didst gave from 'bove |
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