The Worlds WORST Poetry!!

Despite the fact we have poetry sessions to help us reach and understand our inner feelings, we have no illusions about the quality of such. Here you have the opportunity to be appalled (with two p's - spot the reference) at our results.

Angst for Nothing


Plea to the Magical Rabbits


Ode to Kai

Pretty Pink Flower

The Cure


What I Did for Money

Freddled Gruntbuggly

Hairy Fairy

Darkness Falls

A late Thursday afternoon in front of the refriguator

Let Me Kiss

The Hairdryer

O, late Meece
Cathay Doll

Jello From the Moon


Render to My Lady...

Encroaching Blackness


Peanut Butter and Jelly

The Wolf Howls at Midnight

Ochre Midnight

The Glutton


Bread Crumb Coating


A Tribute to my Y Fronts

To Lucida,
...On Seeing Thy Name Graven

Praise for The World's Worst Poetry

"Some of the poems have forced my fingernails to my eyes, and only upon finishing them do I realize that had you made any of them longer, my eyes'd be gouged out. Others lead me in circular trains of thought that force me to collide with myself at the station, yet never realizing I've made a trip in the first place."

Smackems the Kitten

    angst for nothing


    encroaching blackness lies bleeding on the uncaring sands of time

    pain is good
    pain is nice
    pain is worth the sacrifice

    i fling myself facefirst from this vale of tears into the black strangling nothingness that birthed me

    i am but a hemorrhoid on the rectum of the universe
    prostate with pain

    the sky is falling
    the sky is falling
    the sky is falling

    fear is the maggot
    in my soul
    it gnaws at me
    i dine in hell
    the menu is nothingness

    i drink the bitter wine of mankind to the dregs

    my cup



        Which one was The Moosehead?
        Eleven Syllables which I do not Rhyme
        My heart is in my...yuck.
        I'm surprised it's gone this long
        Their Tits? they don't - That's The Problem

        I'm you're biggest fantom!
        Neat Spiral Staircase!
        Trained Ravens are Red
        Roses are Black.
        I Think Bad.

        Footsteps like Heartbeats
        Slow on the Uptake
        Fast on the Drawer
        Gonzo are Guns, they're gone
        Bing Bang Bong

        I've consoled you; can we fuck now?
        Yes; eat something improbable and die!
        How Much?

        Plea to the Magical Rabbits

        Caliph al Shaikh)

        Once upon a time
        A horse stopped on a cheese sandwich,
        Someone sound the chime
        Ahoy! Ahoy!
        The rainmaker calls,
        I can taste the light!
        Sweet Gary Coleman above,
        Fall upon us like washing machines.
        Lament! Lament!
        Once a hero,
        Now a zero,
        Praise the day!



        I had a puppy once
        It died the next day
        It made me feel
        A peculiar way

        I had a puppy once
        So happy and free
        I saw it and
        It followed me

        My puppy was beautiful
        I really loved him
        So good and kind

        Nothing good can exist
        Good just doesn't fit
        The universe's law
        I strangled it

        Ode to Kai


        All night with my Kai Kai
        All night with my Kai and I mean this
        I ran my hands down his chest
        All the way down to his...
        Man! This cryo-chamber is cold!

        All week with my Kai Kai
        Embracing his frozen mass
        I love his pale smooth skin
        And his cute, tight little...
        Oh cwap! My tounge iv spuck po hiv meck!

        (rrrrrrip) OOOOOWWWWW!!!

        All month with my Kai Kai
        His body I wish to lick
        I'd start with his luscious mouth
        And work my way down to his...
        Damn! It's FREEZING in here!

        All year with my Kai Kai...

        Aw Hell! I'm going to bed!

            Pretty Pink Flower


            I saw a pretty pink flower
            It was pretty
            It was pink
            It was a flower

            Oh, pretty pink flower
            So flowery and pink
            I think of pink
            And think of pretty
            I think of flowers
            And think of pretty

            Oh, so natural
            Pretty pink flower
            How I love thee
            Pretty pink flower
            Pretty Pink

      The Cure

      (by Savage)

      I slake my slimy lust in your embrace.
      I desire you as I would desire heat rash,
      To gauld my groin to an itchy passion
      That no alchemic Gold Bond powder or
      Blue Star balm in Gilead could cure.

      The salinity of your love draws my life's blood,
      Rendering me gelatinous as though I were pork fat.
      I lord over the lard of my love,
      Out of the frying pan and into the fire,
      My manhood having been well done.

      Beat your eggs to a froth! Whip my cream!
      To thrill from such malcookery!
      Apply your love's sauce to my abused sites
      In a plaster to muster the mustard
      That seeds my sweet sweat.



            Smeet the smite
            Gravel feet
            Rhyming smeet
            Sweet smeet meet
            Sorrow hollow smeet
            Hollow smeet street
            Why don't I just die
            Smeetly die

        What I Did for Money


        A chance
        thrown to the wind
        hope tied to it like little whatsies

        gnarled and useless
        dismembered beyond all recognition

        The things I do for money
        How Fruitless They Seem

    Freddled Gruntbuggly

    (Gleefully stolen from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
    and only here because it is officially some of the worst poetry
    in the universe)

    Oh freddled gruntbuggly
    Thy micturations are to me
    As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
    Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
    And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
    Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
    See if I don't!

    - Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz

    Hairy Fairy


    I love a Hairy Fairy
    I nuzzle him all over
    with my Leprechaun beard,
    and faint in his armpits,
    and in his legpit I swoon
    then frolic in the moon
    light and we both drink champagne
    'cos we both are hairy men.

    Darkness Falls

    The movies flicker across my mind
    Like lilacs in the wind
    And mermaids sing of birds
    With long eloquent and prosaic words
    Biting back into the theocratic oranges
    I wait for my twist
    To get this
    And carry me away to some dark bris
    May the radio waves forgive my soul
    The evening bowl
    Fortune is waiting
    For the everloving koi pond I've been so heartily baiting
    Darkness Falls

            A late Thursday afternoon in front of the refriguator
            Sebastian Viklund Åsberg)

            As I opened the refrigator I felt all of my hair fall of.
            It landed in a nice pile on the floor and hurriedly hid under the trash can.

            As I took a deep breath I felt my toenails crack and my left hands fingers fell of.
            I saw my nose turn black of gangrene and a second later it joined my fingers.

            As I bended forward my heart stopped beating and the world fell into darkness.
            It was then I understood that I should have gotten rid of the medwurst a long time ago.

        Let Me Kiss

        Let me kiss upon your squashy lips
        Lips almost skin-like.

        Let me feed upon your hair, dar-
        Long and brushy sweet.

        Your breasts, one a little smaller than the other, are like two unequal pears [are]
        Me them on your feet.

        Let me splash in your puddle like a boy splashes in one with his foot


        Let’s be so gay
          And make love,
            And escape away
              And by the bay,
                And roll in the hay
                  On a sled.

        Neigh! Nay!
        Whinnies the horsy
        His horsy paws prancing in front of two lover people like us two
        Like two lovers on an ecstasy high.

        I love you even more so than you could ever possibly love me back

        Scratch my back
        And I to you will also do, too.

        Let me kiss and count the ways…
        No. You should count
        For it would be wrong for me to do so first before you do it first before I do.


        Let me just Kiss…

        The Hairdryer

        The pain, oh so deep
        into my soul it seeps
        I am no longer a whole
        into the mirror, I see no soul

        I take a handful of these pills
        as long as grandmas dills
        they help to ease the pain
        remember daddy, you struck me with your cane

        water flows from the faucet
        makes me think of daddy's faucet
        it was hard, he couldn't be
        I cry, oh how he used it on me

        Hairdryer of sorrow, rest firmly in my hand
        prepare to take me from this land
        I take my last breath
        and beat myself to death

        with the hairdryer

        O, late Meece
        (Ode to a Meece I Caught This Morning)
        John Derby)

        O, late Meece
        May thee rest in peace
        Thy lust for cheese
        Brought thee to thy knees

        Thy brown paper bag coffin
        (Which I've used so often)
        Shall ever be thy bed
        Now that thee are dead

        I heard the snap
        Of thy deathly trap
        My ego puffed
        As thy life was snuffed

        O, late Meece
        May thee rest in peace
        In thy grave of plastic
        Enter the realm, fantastic

        Cathay Doll

        Augustus Snodgrass, Esq., M.P.C.)

        Pulchritudinous porcelain 'plexion
        Like a China doll's,
        but soft as a spade-spurned sexton.
        Ruddier, too; not pale of bone.
        Nor Cathay-born, she;
        A girl from my British home.

        Eyes brown 's a tavern rug
        ne'er beaten nor swept.
        Liquid 's a drunkard's who's
        not recently slept.
        A Writer! My diction;
        She can't have missed it.
        Likewise my elocution:
        Who could resist it?


            Jello From the Moon


            Oh the sky is purple-green and the birds fly up their noses
            Dodging the green jello that's dripping from the moon
            And the sun is small and yellow and it's smelling up the sky
            Because the world is sweaty on this day-night of June
            Where the hell is my banana? It's flying 'round the room
            And the orange rolls up nightly, it's a stupid little guy
            Oh my rainbow is a tricycle and rolls me 'round the world
            And drops me on my nose 'cause I've fallen from so high
            Oh your eyes they do freckle dear, why oh why oh why?
            Come here and kiss my elbow before it runs to France
            If the warts on frogs and mushrooms were using Oxy 5
            Would the world be pink and rosy, if they only had a chance
            The paisley and the argyle sing pretty little tunes
            About the love of money and the ringlets from the carrots
            But the time it writes it's name on tiny little cupcakes
            It frosts them with some plaid and throws them to the ferrets
            The chalk it rolls, it's smelly too, alas, my socks do cinder
            But the bloo is in the toilet and it's winking it's eye still
            At the pink strip-teasing trees that fly to the green jello
            Still dripping from the moon and tasting light of dill
            "Do you speak in tongues, dear, does your elbow run to France?
            Hey, what's your sign, baby? Do you know Marquis de Sade?
            Can you fly up to the moon that's dripping with green jello
            And fish around inside it to feed yourself on cod?"
            Oh, this is what the dogs say as they run from to and fro
            And the moon and sun do wander from the north into the south
            But the pigs sit on the checkers and free the knights and lads
            And go to Chattanooga to put things in their mouths
            The pencil and the pen went bowling in the sunset
            Because the Appalachians became a bit too small
            And the buildings in them wonder about the iron board
            Why does it smell of turpentine, why doesn't it just fall?
            Seconds tick and write their names on pizzas large and tiny
            Because the frogs all sit on chessboards and wander to the wall
            The keyboards only laugh confusedly and drop the black keys to T.V.
            But cheese graters all stare blankly at the fireworks in the hall
            Venetian blinds sing to Venetia, she's a tiny little god
            And the world is a brick building with Venetia on a rafter
            She cocks her head, she cocks here eye, she smells around a bit
            Picks up a crystal bell and rings the room with laughter
            And she digs up some nightly crawlers and she sticks them in her ear
            As they wriggle and they giggle and they look up to the moon
            Ah yet it drips green jello that smells a bit of dill
            And it falls onto the tile and is ate by a raccoon
            The paisley is declared unsafe by the piglets in the sky
            Oh they fly up high so high as the stars go flitting by
            They give a little sigh even though the tables die
            He's a stupid little guy as he waves his hand goodbye
            Oh the sky is purple-green and the birds fly up their noses
            Dodging the green jello that's dripping from the moon



      Love Hate
      Mouse Mouse Red Hat
      Berry Football

      Black Pin, Pink Hat
      Green Green Grass
      Spleen Coleslaw
      Spleen Coleslaw
      Spleen Coleslaw
      Oh, Love, Shag
      Swim, Rock, Tree,
      Plane, Bird

      Love, Spleen,

    Render to My Lady...


    Render to my Lady
    Mathematical Potatoes,
            for she angers at unwieldy surfaces
            crevices with no common decency
            and things that are green
                            that aren't supposed to be.
    Render to my Lady
    Geometrical Potatoes,
            for peeling with easy motions
            meals without depresssing drudgery
            and Murphy walking away mad
                            with no cracks to hide in.

    Encroaching Blackness


    Feel it creep
    See it sweep
    Smell it deep

    Encroaching Blackness

    Know it's near
    Grab some beer
    Feel the fear

    Encroaching Blackness

    Once you feel it on your neck
    It makes you want to hit the deck
    Now we're gonna run like heck
    Run like heck
    Run like heck

    Smell it's breath
    Check your meth
    Is it death?

    Encroaching Blackness

        The Nazi's


        I can feel the Nazi's
        Here come the Nazi's
        Oh God
        The Nazi's
        Hear there Feet pounding
        Oh God
        The Pounding
        Here they Come
        The Nazi's
        Here they come
        Oh God
        Can you feel them
        Can you hear them
        Can you Taste them
        Can you see them
        Can you smell Them
        Oh God
        The Nazi's
        Here They Come

        Peanut Butter & Jelly

        Night Jazz)

        A Jar of Peanut Butter
        A Jar of Jelly
        Cold from the fridge
        White Bread
        and a knife....



            The Wolf Howls at Midnight


            Blackness, Blackness
            Blackness Yet
            More Blackness
            Velvet Blackness, Gnawing
            Ever Gnawing, Gnawing
            Gnawing at my Soul
            My Soul Aching, Aching More
            Ever Aching for the Dawn
            Dawn retreats, Fearing
            Fearing, Ever Fearing for the
            Time when Blackness Once
            Again comes Gnawing,
            Gnawing at its Soul

            The Wolf Howls at Midnight


      Ochre Midnight


      puce skies far, far, far above
      it was walking turgidly alone
      feeling spiffy and limp
      the only creeping thing was the spleen
      chartruse of midnight when weasel sleeps
      ochre mountain turgidly toward puce skies
      weasel rests below

    The Glutton

    M. Snow)

    Lo! Do you hear that sound on the gutter?
    Footprints have trod, atread with a mutter.
    I'm just inside eating bread and butter,
    The sound of my chomping is like glutter

    A sound warbles in the random thickets outside
    Like muffled farts executed in a closet.
    What affront to have it impose on my suits!
    It is some stochastic and stoic stench stuck on the stripes
    of my suits...

    There's this space inside my soul that is forever empty,
    I call it "that space inside my soul"
    It is there and is "forever empty"
    But someday it should all clearup the
    Footprints on the gutter
    Atread with a mutter
    I'm just eating my bread and butter
    I may just turn out to be a glutton.


      Rimshot, Fritters and Christine)

      some thyngs lead us
      some thyngs trail
      sending foetus's by mail
      this end is up but its down
      insyde out but its wrong
      sent by regis
      joan embry
      bubblewrap of byle
      see their crusty pussy eyeballs
      hold their face and tongue their eyes
      the morsyls go crunch
      can you hear thym screaming?
      swallow thym down
      how can I accept these tasty treats
      biodegradable stampies stick to my tongue
      no depothit
      no return
      dead lettyr office
      chrystmas fruitcakes
      ken dreams

      Bread Crumb Coating


      Popcorn dance and moldy tiles
      Oh how you tempt me with your bread crumb coating
      Your lucious glitter and fruit punch
      Where is the love I once knew?
      I know where it is
      It's in the shower
      Where it disappeared under a moldy tile
      What is life
      What is love
      Who am I?
      Not the cat pancake
      I am just another fat guy
      Who would do anything for your
      tempting bread crumb coating...



      I am Alone
      I am VERY alone
      Alone, Alone
      So Alone
      I am Alone

      Die, DIE, DiE

      A tribute for my Y-fronts.

      Sebastian Viklund Åsberg )

      Six frumious willows art stuck up my nosetrils,
      How they found their way, I do not want to know.
      My jubby buttocks art dancin' down the horizon,
      And art turning my baloneys insideout.

      The top layer of cream on my head,
      Significates the treehouse's gastronical wish:
      A bath amongst mumerish ruhbarbs and mingles,
      In the froggie's expungiestial earlobes.

      Oh, how thee velum makes me wanna yoddle,
      Thee armpits art severely flitting my noseybum,
      And thee face makes my major intestine, rape my brain
      But whenever your hairy wart is facing my way, I think:

      What is this gippenstrausish feeling building up in my duck?
      Is that not the bloit I want to snot my life with?
      "Yes, it is!" I barf out snufringly. Ballahooy! Ballahay!
      We became illicit the same turkey, and whistled like a cow.

      Oh fibbelei-dibble, our bowoglove was naught to bounce,
      As your life spreffed to a galumphing end by the age of orange.
      'Till this waffle still, I crisp my loss of your manxome wart,
      And spend my wimbgunt in tears. Why not a candid bee?

          To Lucida,
          On Seeing Thy Name Graven


          Oh, Lucida, when I chance to look
          Into the bottomless pit which is thine eyes
          I fell to swoon, my wits foorsook
          My hand to forehead prest, my bosom cries
          My bosom cries for love

          Oh, Lucida, could I tell the world
          What sweet and sensive secrets dost thou entrove
          Like Nelson's sails my soul would spring unfurled
          My heart would find its port and never rove
          And never rove my dove

          Oh, Lucida, but I cannot show
          For my condition do still I have most grave
          Thy heaving heart my touch shall never know
          For fate to me none of God's salve didst gave
          God's salve didst gave from 'bove

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