Once upon a time there were three bears, and because they had nothing else to do they decided to go to the seaside and throw rocks at small children. They all piled into the Volvo and drove off to Pismo, because Dad likes clams. After they got there, Dad lay out a towel and then got all his clamming equipment to go and get some dinner. Meanwhile, Mom and Baby Bear took the rest of the stuff from the car and starting eating sandwiches in the sun, while throwing the small rocks they'd brought with them at several happy frolicking children. Occasionally, they'd hit a child very hard in the head, and then Mom and Baby Bear would laugh themselves silly. Sometimes, Dad would even stop looking for clams to see the happy children bitch and moan and rub their skulls, before running crying to Mommy. It was great sport.
After a while they all got tired of this, and Dad had caught lots of yummy yummy clams. So they all stopped what they were doing to help Dad make the clam chowder. It was starting to get a little late. Mom wanted it to be Manhattan clam chowder, but the other two bears would hear none of this. It was to be New England clam chowder. It turned out excellently. They all ate themselves silly on clam chowder while watching the sun set over the horizon.
The bears thought all of this was so delightful that they decided instead of going home that night, they would go to a hotel and stay there for a few days. They all cleaned up, and piled into the car, except Dad left a piece of plastic on the beach, just to be politically incorrect.
They drove around Pismo until they found a great big Hilton. They decided to stay there, since Mom and Dad had an incredible credit limit. They carried several unidentifiable bags of things and their big hairy selves to the check in counter. Originally the clerk treated them very badly until he ran the credit check, after which he ran around the check in counter, dropped to his knees, kissed their hairy sandy feet and begged forgiveness. Dad forgave him, since he was such a magnanimous gentleman.
They went up to the penthouse suite. After chucking their bags in the closet, Mom and Dad kept ordering room service of fruity drinks and french fries, while Baby Bear jumped up and down on the bed. They all did this until they passed out exhausted from an exhilarating day.
When they woke, they ordered several bacon/cheddar/mushroom/avocado/sausage/Monterey Jack/onion omelettes. After all, they were big hungry bears and bears can eat a LOT. Then they went downstairs in the elevator, back up,down again, back up, and down again, because Baby Bear was done. As they exited the hotel, 5 people jumped off the roof and plummeted to their death, landing in a messy splat right in front of them. They considered this odd. Then they piled into the Volvo in search of Pismo adventures.
At one point, they passed a bar and Mom went in, had a margarita, then came back out and they drove off again. They drove through the center of town and saw a big mall, so they stopped and parked. They piled out of the Volvo and went shopping. Mom bought Baby Bear a toy machine gun and left him in the mall playground. Then Mom and Dad went shopping some more. Dad bought an authentic Pismo Beach chain saw. Mom bought some shells all glued together in the shape of Elvis (the old fat one, that didn't get on the stamp).
They walked to the food court and ordered a french fry pizza with extra cheese. At that point, several terrorists went running through the mall food court with their machine guns blazing, spitting fiery death at everyone they could see. Mom was very disappointed that she had to take a bullet off her pizza. Then one of the mall janitors started to bleed on her, so after they finished their pizza, Dad bought Mom a new dress at Nordstrom, and she changed into it in the restroom.
They went and picked up Baby Bear, who was very hungry by now, since he didn't have any french fry pizza. There weren't any leftovers because bears can eat a LOT. They went over to Hot dog on a Steeck and made fun of the waitron's stupid uniform while getting one dozen corn dogs for Baby Bear.
They were all getting tired of the mall, so they went out to the car and then drove to an Elvis convention, so that Mom could get some flirting out of her system. They all sat in an auditorium and listened to an Elvis retrospective, which finished off with 30 Elvi singing a medley, while 3 of them did a strip tease. Baby Bear thought it was all very surreal.
Then they went out to the beach and drank beer around the campfire. They passed out on the beach, and then a police officer came by. He woke them up and made them go back to the hotel. The people at the Hilton were so very glad to see them. The bears took the elevator up, Dad threw up and then they all passed out on their beds again.
When the bears woke up, they were so very happy that this fantastic adventure of Pismo was upon them that they ordered from room service several large plates of pancakes and eggs over medium. They kept asking for more butter, partially because they were using it all, partially because they liked the idea of the kitchen staff having to go up and down the elevator over and over again just to bring them butter. What the heck, its all on the credit card.
They looked out the window and saw a person fly by it on their way down. They couldn't think of anything else to do in Pismo Beach, since the circus had come to town, so they got all their stuff together and checked out of the Hilton. Dad ate the check in clerk on his way out. He was really hungry.
They drove back home and Dad went bird hunting for dinner. At dinner, they all decided that pigeons taste awful. They put a lot of cheese and pepper on the pigeons to help hide the taste. Dad ended up drinking a whole bottle of catsup. They all went to sleep early that night and breathed a sign of relief that they weren't in Pismo anymore. There was far too little violence there.
